Infomercial: Script (draft 2)

Updated version which emphasises the crazy instead of the mafia which the last one somehow became. I took out the 'oh my God's to make it more acceptable to my family. Teehee.

Presenter: Is this YOU!?
Victim: No. Wait.. Yes.
Presenter: Well did you know that on average; one in one YOU gets poisoned in your sleep with [poison name] last NIGHT!?
Victim: AH D:
Presenter: Well in that case, [antidote name] might just be for you! Thats right. With just 25 easy installments of £1,000 over the next 48 hours.
Victim: ;O;
Presenter: Act now! Or die.
Victim: ;O;!!!!!
Presenter: Hey! Is this your dog?
Victim: Yes D:
Presenter: Hey little guy... *neck break*
Victim: OH MY DOG D:
Presenter: Hahahaha OH HEY! Is this your sister?
Stranger: Mmmph @_____@
Victim: No...
Presenter: Didn't think so!
Stranger: !!! *bang*
Victim: AAAAAAAAH D:
Presenter: Hahaha. But seriously now! Is THIS your sister?
Victim: AH D:!
Presenter: Is that a no? :D *cocks gun*
Victim: YES! *flail*
Presenter: Hahahaha :D...
Victim: D:
Presenter: :D!
Victim: Dx!
Presenter: *walks into another location* Well you can get her back for 12 easy installments of £10,000 spread over the next *checks watch* 2 HOURS! :D
Victim: AAAAH *more flailing*
Presenter: The number to call?
Victim: *grabs phone*
Presenter: Get ready
Victim: ...
Presenter: Wait for it...
Victim: ...
Presenter: Waaaaait for it...
Victim: ...
Presenter: There it goes!
Victim: chkl
Presenter: Too slow? Here it is again for your convenience!
Victim: arsharhffha
Presenter: Gotta be quick!
Victim: AHSAHRF *flail
Victim: arsharhffha
Presenter: Now, if you didn't think this deal could get ANY BETTER! Act now and we'll throw in your LEFT KIDNEY!
Victim: *check* *whimper*
Presenter: AAAAAAH :D
Victim: *crying*
Presenter: *jumping around in joy*
Victim: *face stretching*
Presenter: *dance*
Victim: *regresses into fetal position*
Voiceover: Call now to receive the Sister and Kidney special deal for £139,999!
Presenter: *stroking sister's head*
Voiceover: To ensure prompt delivery and that your purchase is not dismembered. Order the 'super deluxe' packaging for £799.99
Presenter: kbye
Victim: ... *collapse*

Infomercial: Location

I told Bing about my proposed project and he excitedly dashed off and returned with photographs of the perfect location for the shots with the 'Stranger' and 'Victim's Sister'.

Awesome!

Infomercial: Script (draft 1)

Here is a rough draft of the infomerical's script. The victims pauses would focus more on distressed facial expressions. 'Stranger' and 'Victim's Sister' are gagged.


Script:
Presenter: Is this you?
Victim: Yes..
Presenter: Do you frequently find yourself being abducted in your sleep
by henchmen of Bruno Moretti?
Victim: Uh..
Presenter: Well it looks like you need to.. Paaay your debts!
Victim: Oh God..
Presenter: Is this your dog? Hey little guy
Victim : Ha..
Presenter: Well you can get him back for 12 easy installments of £119.99
Victim : ...
Presenter: Now, if that fits your fancy, then you might just be interested
in this. Is this your sister?
Stranger : Mmhp!!
Victim : No..
Presenter: Didn't think so
Stranger : Mrphh!!
Victim : Urk
Presenter: Haha. Is THIS your sister?
Sister : Mmmm!!
Victim : Aaah!
Presenter: Is that a no?
Victim : AAH! YES!
Presenter: Haha, just kidding. Or am I? Now, you can get her back for.. Now
get this... Not 50,000, not 40,000 but 35,000 pounds! And thats
to be paid in 7 EEEASY installments of 5,000 pounds to be spread
over the next... 4 hours!
Victim : OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD
Presenter: The number to call? Well, there it goes! Too fast? There it goes
again.
Victim : Dammit!
Presenter: Slightly slower this time.
Victim : Aaaah!
Presenter: Now, this is a fantastic deal! But don't take our word for it.
Listen to one of our satisfied customers
Thumbs : Uh.. I was in a lot of debt with Bruno Moretti and uh.. My life
was just uh.. Spiraling out of control. But look at me now! I'm
just two payments away from getting my thumbs back..
Victim : ...
Presenter: So, there you have it. Oh, and if you act now, not only will you
receive your sister and your dog UNHARMED, you'll also get your
left kidney back!
Victim : AH!
Voiceover: Order now to insure the safety of loved ones. Real Ransoms will
not be held responsible for the death of loved ones in the event
of funds not clearing in time to meet deadlines. Please ensure
that you request for express delivery in the transportation of
living beings such as organs, pets and human beings to avoid
their suffocation, starvation or decomposition. It is also
recommended that you confirm that the packaging meets the
size requirements when ordering living beings to avoid
decapitation.
Victim : ...

Infomercial: Cast and Crew

This is just a rough idea of who I'd like to have working on this project with me.

Cast:
TV Presenter - Tom Ridgewell
Victim - Bing Bingham
Stranger - Ruth Noakes
Victim's Sister - Jenny Bingham
Thumbs - Augustin Macelari

Crew:
Camera - Rosie Ball
Prosthetics - Abi Hunt

The Infomercial

Okay..

So, I'm thinking.. An infomercial in which a man is contacted by the mob to let him know that they've taken his dog, sister and kidney as ransom and he has to buy them back (infomercial style).

I thought this up while standing in front of my mirror, thinking about parodying adverts and such. I soon found myself screaming "Remember your left kidney? WE STOLE THAT TOO!!", shortly followed by "OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD". I then realized that not only was my window open, but my neighbour and a handful of her friends were all in their garden. A good start.