Infomercial: Script (draft 2)

Updated version which emphasises the crazy instead of the mafia which the last one somehow became. I took out the 'oh my God's to make it more acceptable to my family. Teehee.

Presenter: Is this YOU!?
Victim: No. Wait.. Yes.
Presenter: Well did you know that on average; one in one YOU gets poisoned in your sleep with [poison name] last NIGHT!?
Victim: AH D:
Presenter: Well in that case, [antidote name] might just be for you! Thats right. With just 25 easy installments of £1,000 over the next 48 hours.
Victim: ;O;
Presenter: Act now! Or die.
Victim: ;O;!!!!!
Presenter: Hey! Is this your dog?
Victim: Yes D:
Presenter: Hey little guy... *neck break*
Victim: OH MY DOG D:
Presenter: Hahahaha OH HEY! Is this your sister?
Stranger: Mmmph @_____@
Victim: No...
Presenter: Didn't think so!
Stranger: !!! *bang*
Victim: AAAAAAAAH D:
Presenter: Hahaha. But seriously now! Is THIS your sister?
Victim: AH D:!
Presenter: Is that a no? :D *cocks gun*
Victim: YES! *flail*
Presenter: Hahahaha :D...
Victim: D:
Presenter: :D!
Victim: Dx!
Presenter: *walks into another location* Well you can get her back for 12 easy installments of £10,000 spread over the next *checks watch* 2 HOURS! :D
Victim: AAAAH *more flailing*
Presenter: The number to call?
Victim: *grabs phone*
Presenter: Get ready
Victim: ...
Presenter: Wait for it...
Victim: ...
Presenter: Waaaaait for it...
Victim: ...
Presenter: There it goes!
Victim: chkl
Presenter: Too slow? Here it is again for your convenience!
Victim: arsharhffha
Presenter: Gotta be quick!
Victim: AHSAHRF *flail
Victim: arsharhffha
Presenter: Now, if you didn't think this deal could get ANY BETTER! Act now and we'll throw in your LEFT KIDNEY!
Victim: *check* *whimper*
Presenter: AAAAAAH :D
Victim: *crying*
Presenter: *jumping around in joy*
Victim: *face stretching*
Presenter: *dance*
Victim: *regresses into fetal position*
Voiceover: Call now to receive the Sister and Kidney special deal for £139,999!
Presenter: *stroking sister's head*
Voiceover: To ensure prompt delivery and that your purchase is not dismembered. Order the 'super deluxe' packaging for £799.99
Presenter: kbye
Victim: ... *collapse*